Healing After a Breakup


You just broke up. You feel as if hell has been unleashed; you feel an ache in your soul, the tears won’t stop flowing, and you wonder, “Why me? Why is this happening to me (again)? What’s wrong with me and why can't I just be happy?”

You hurt. You want explanations and answers; you want to understand why. You feel rage, anger, despair, and love all at the same time.

When you lose someone, you love you don’t only lose the lover; you also lose the friend, the support, the plans you had together, the dreams, part of your identity.

You wonder if you are ever going to get over it? Are ever going to love again? Is there any life left after a breakup?

At times it may hurt so badly that you want to go back to what you had before the breakup. Only you know you can't find peace in something that once broke you.

Pain happens for a reason; it comes into our lives to show us where we need to heal for us to evolve to the next better version of ourselves.

There is something important you should know, maybe at this moment you don't believe it, but it is true:

You will get over this. You will be fine

Now, if you already know you will get over it: why not get over it faster, sooner than later? Does it bring you any benefit in immersing yourself in pain?

If you already know you will get over it:

Why not get over it faster, sooner than later?

I must warn you, the exercises I propose are not easy, they are confrontational but only when you accept what it is, and you allow yourself to see the truth you will be free.

Here are six steps that allow you to learn from your pain and get over it.

S1.Give up the WRONG hope

I propose to you one exercise called No Way Back

Close your eyes, take a deep breath in and out.

Imagine your partner doesn’t exist anymore, there is no way to go back to him/her, 0% chance. You can’t access him/her or anything else he/she can provide you with any more.

Drop any expectation of you getting back together, or of your partner realizing what a mistake, he/she made by not being with you.

Only when you release yourself from any expectation, can you see what is to be done next.

The Hope of getting back together is only poisoning your soul, is keeping you in a room full with uncertainty, a space where happiness and peace can’t enter. It doesn’t allow you to get over the past nor to move on.

Imagining your partner doesn’t exist anymore, answer yourself the following questions.

  • What thoughts and feelings are emerging for you now?

  • What hurts the most?

By answering these two questions, you can identify what it is that you need to work on next, what needs to be healed.

Only when you release yourself from any expectation,

can you see what is to be done next

S2.Feel your feelings

Feeling your pain is an integral part of the healing process. When you identify what is hurting you, you discover your trigger points, your unmet needs, the child in you that still needs to be healed.

Most people at this stage will try to bypass their negative feelings. The will do anything not to feel the pain: distract themselves with movies, food, alcohol, work, and so on.

It is imperative to feel your feelings to let them surface. The feelings you don’t allow yourself to perceive will make a nest in your soul and will come out at a later stage.

Shine the spotlight on your pain:

  • Where does it hurt?

  • What hurts the most?

  • Did you experience this before? If yes, when?

  • Can you recall one moment in your childhood when you felt the same?

One simple technique my clients love for feeling the pain you can find here

S3.Learn the lessons

Answering the following question will allow you not only to understand yourself better but also to learn, evolve and escape the spiral of making the same mistake again and again and again.

Looking back at what happened, answer the following questions:

  • What were the earlier signs, or red flags you noticed, but you chose to ignore?

Most of the time we identify the red flags early in a relationship only we choose to ignore them for various reasons (we hope they will change with time, we are afraid of taking actions, we are inexperienced, etcetera). By identifying the early red flags, you will have a chance to heal. Be honest with yourself when you answer.

  • What are the reasons you overlooked these signs?

  • What is a better way to deal with the situations you mentioned above?

S4.Forgive yourself

If you did the previous exercise and you were completely honest with yourself, it may be that you feel anger and resentment towards your partner but also towards yourself for being naive, or for wasting your time, for investing too much or for not doing better.

I want you now to drop all the negative feelings you have towards yourself. You did the best you could with the knowledge and experience you had at that moment. Everything happened the way it was supposed to happen. There is no benefit in punishing and blaming yourself. All you need to do now is to accept, love yourself unconditionally and learn from it.

Love yourself unconditionally

S5.Recreate your self

Along with the breakup, you lost a part of yourself too. There will be no better opportunity to start again and decide what the person you want to become now is.

I want you to imagine the version of yourself ten years from now.

  • What is the story you want to tell about this moment?

  • What kind of person are you in that story: do you choose to be the victim, the one who drowns in pain, anger, and resentment or the person who decides to be strong, to move on evolved and inspire?

  • What do you need to do to become that person?